Today was the official beginning of classes for San Jose State, and let’s just say, I was nervous. I had no idea what to expect, and actually kinda freaked out. To try to calm myself down, I printed out my syllabi, assignments, and reading schedules. I inserted important dates into my calendar. I took a nap. I posted an assignment. I read some fan fiction. I priced my books for the umpteenth time, and bought my APA style manual. I drank one bottle of Magner’s Irish Cider. I smoked one cigarette. I did all of these things over the course of the day. I don’t feel any less nervous, but I am calmer than I was when I woke up this morning. I know that in a few weeks, I’ll feel better, because I’ll have a routine. What that routine will be, I’m not sure yet, but since I’m constantly checking D2L and my emails, I think I’ll find it soon enough.
I learned a few things today. 1) There are two plural forms of syllabus: syllabi and syllabuses. Syllabuses just looks stupid to me. It reads and sounds like incorrect English, and I cannot bring myself to use the word, except to make fun of it. 2) The other post from today is a word cloud from Wordle.com. It was my first assignment for LIBR204. A way to introduce oneself without the traditional discussion post. I actually liked making it, and the resulting fight with D2L trying to post the link enabled me to help a classmate. 3) I realized that I forgot some very important school supplies when I went shopping the other day: Folders and binders. Since I’m terrible at reading long articles on a computer screen, I know I’m going to print them. Obviously, I need a place to put the ones I’m working on at the moment and a place to archive older articles. There is a trip to Staples in my future.
I remember the last time I was this scared of school. Right before my senior year in college, knowing I had to write a twenty page paper to graduate, I spazzed out. I collapsed on my best friend’s dorm room floor and stared off into space in that “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” kind of way. That paper turned out to be really amazing, even if I did cut out a whole section, because I lost motivation and inspiration. While I doubt I will cut out whole portions of grad school, I may lose motivation and inspiration. I expect that. But I know that the people who love me will lift me up, dust me off, and remind me why I’m doing this.
I want this. I want to be a librarian. I want to spread the love of reading. I will do this. It will be amazing. To quote Olivia Pope from ABC’s SCANDAL, “And it’s gonna be great.”