Originally, I thought this would be a one-off post about random thoughts on friendship. Then, I remembered a few things. 1) I have BA in Philosophy. Thinking deep thoughts is kinda my thing. 2) I have many thoughts and can really wax on, wax off about friendship and relationships. Mr. Miyagi would be proud. 3) Why not write these constantly circling thoughts down where someone else can read it and
get comepletely and utterly confused maybe gain some insight?
So, what’s on my mind today? A few things actually, but mainly, friendships on hiatus and what makes people decide to go on hiatus and return from hiatus. It all started during a conversation with someone who has seen me at my lowest point. Several times actually. And I’ve seen the same of her. Anyway, we were talking about an upcoming event, texting, and in comes this aside. She tells me that she’s really glad that we’re friends again, and she missed us. So, I replied back with “Yeah, this is nice.” There’s a very long story here, like two years worth of instability, upheaval, and emotions, but that’s not the point. The questions that this friendship has raised for me have been nothing short of life-altering. And the slow crawl back to each other, relearning things we’d forgotten, learning new things, has added even more.
What makes a relationship worth saving? What makes it worth keeping? How does a friendship survive emotional upheaval, accusations, physical and emotional distance, and all sorts of other destructive behavior? How is it that someone I gathered really close then shoved away, someone whom I worked so hard to stay away from for my own sanity, someone who refused to leave me but couldn’t stay, is still here nearly four years later? Do we test our friends? Try to see how far you can push them without actually pushing them away? I did all of that. Why?
I have tried to write this post so many times, and everything comes out wrong. Every time, I think about friendship in relation to this person, things get heavy and muddled. I don’t really know why I did what I did. I don’t have a reason for it, other than to say that back then, I was afraid. I was afraid of everything. I was afraid of feeling too much. I was afraid of not feeling enough. I was afraid of relationships. I was afraid of people. I was terrified of getting hurt.
It takes a lot of love and patience and honesty with oneself and with each other to make this or any friendship work. You have to really want to be friends as adults to be willing to put in the work that adult friendships take. Since it seems as though neither of us can imagine life without other–been there, hated it–we’re stuck with each other.